today i figured something out about myself. Something i possibly have known deep down for awhile but it became clear today.
i am a runner.
in psychology you learn that people have one of two instincts, fight or flee.
i am the prime example of flee. when i am done with somewhere or something i stop being there or doing it. i dont know if that's necessarily a good thing, but it's who i am, it's what i do.
lately i have not been happy nor sad. just existing.
Today i figured out why. I am done.
i am done with school
i am done with utah county
i am done with feeling like no men i am attracted to feel the same
i am done doing the same monotonous things day to day
i am done telling people that no i am not dating
i am done telling people that my life consists of work and school and nothing more
i am done with just dreaming. life is too short to only dream i need to start turning dreams into reality
i am done with wishing i had enough money to visit my dear sisters and precious nieces and nephews for the weekend
i am done crying over stupid things that are not worth my tears
i am done with girls telling me one thing and meaning or saying other things to other people. why cant people be real?
i am done
Part of me wishes that i could move on, go somewhere new meet new people, but then i think i need to overcome this weakness of mine and buck up. fight sue, not flee.
but fight for what?
a cosmo license?
love?
change of heart?
change of schedule?
money?
tear ducts that don't work?
nice girls?
i just miss the days when the world was simple. all that i worried about was what me and cait were going to do that weekend or that night, and if mom and dad would let me go.
it's time for a change of seasons. that i feel is the only way i can have a change of attitude.
SOMETHING HAS TO CHANGE
--sue
Kate Senior Tribute
3 months ago
6 comments:
I love you. Maybe it's not that you're not a fighter, you just haven't found something worth fighting for yet. I think you can do anything you put yourself to. And you should never feel that your dreams are too far away to grasp. You are an amazing woman and I am so grateful to have you as my best friend.
I love you too. You really are an amazing woman doing amazing things, they just don't seem very exciting right now. I think of the song "Unanswered Prayers." Things WILL turn around and make sense when you look back. Just keep reaching for the stars and choosing the right and those blessings will come. Keep looking for the microscopic joys in this huge mass of life, and relish in them. Keep smiling!!! :O) LOVE YOU!!!
hang in there sister! this is such a hard time in life - i think almost all of us go through something similar, but knowing that still doesn't make YOUR challenges any easier. :(
one of my favorite quotes ever came from a good friend when i was struggling with some really big things. "When you come to the edge of all the light you know, and are about to step off into the darkness of the unknown, faith is knowing one of two things will happen: there will be something solid to stand on or you will be taught how to fly."
You are on the cusp of your entire life right now, and even though you don't know what you want, take a deep breath and just DO something. get your license since you have worked so hard for that. pray for where you need to be (you would think i would say come down here, but i think you should go to logan...it is where my life changed and came into focus and is such a great place for young adults). pray for a change of heart to love your situation, read Elder Wirthlin's great talk, "Come What May and Love It." We can't change our situation a lot of the time, but we CAN control how we feel about it. like michelle said, find those little joys! keep a gratitude journal to realize all the great things that are in your life (you have a talent for finding those things anyways!).
good luck! i am praying for you! love you!
As you know, I am one who never really knows what to say...but I do know that I LOVE YOU. You have been there to help me on some of the darkest and hardest nights of my life.
My kids look up to you. They trust you. You are amazing.
I agree with Kristin, when you are done, move to Logan. I would come and visit you almost every week. I miss Logan dearly.
Make cookies and go doorbell ditching tonight. You will find joy and laughter in hiding and watching the un-expecting families. And it gets dark super early tonight.
Love you!!!
I love that you are writing down your thoughts and you ARE facing the challenges you are having!!
The very fact that you are voicing your thoughts to yourself and to those close to you, tells me you are facing life, and not 'fleeing'.
You are so talented and so strong and I love every single thing about you. I am so blessed to be your mom--I have been thinking about that recently! As you look at your future, there is so much good that is ahead.
I agree that everyone has times of not knowing where the future will take us, but the great thing about it, is that Heavenly Father DOES know what is coming up.
Think of a sunrise and remember that He knows when that sunrise will happen. The darkest part of the night is right before morning. Just be true to yourself, and to what you know.
The sunrise will come.
love you--mom
I LOVE YOU! I miss you and your crazy, laughing, smiling self! I just have to say amen to what everyone else has said because I don't think I can think straight enough to put my thoughts together :)
I have always looked up to you for so many things. You always see the good in people, no matter what. You are friends with EVERYONE no matter who they are. I wish I could be more like you! Keep your head up and we love you like crazy! Erika still brings my phone to me and asks to call "Aunt Sue" multiples times a day. I think she misses you!
So I lied, I could put some thoughts together :) I LOVE YOU!
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